We’ve all had those days when we’ve clashed with our bosses, been crushed into someone’s armpit on our commute, endured a crappy Tinder date who spent two hours talking about himself, and been catcalled on the way home.
The best course of action (other than reaching for a takeaway and Netflix), according to author Amy Kean, is to “save f*cks for those who
need it most”.
That’s the message behind the hilarious new feminist handbook, The Little Girl Who Gave Zero F*cks, which tells the story of a brave young girl, Elodie-Rose, who one day decides to change the world and keep all her f*&ks in her basket.
Here, in this teaser extract, Elodie-Rose decides to break rank and find out what happens if her f*cks stay exactly where they already are…
In this town, each morning’s the same as before.
Girls wake up and wash, take their socks from the floor,
Eat breakfast, brush teeth, make the messy old bed,
Pack their lunchbox with snacks for the long day ahead,
Jump quick through the Lego, the dolls and toy trucks,
Open the wardrobe, grab their basket of f*cks.
Wait: ‘What are f*cks?’ you might suddenly cry
As you halt to attention and rub your wide eyes!
Well, f*cks are the things that girls keep in their basket
And must give away when somebody asks it.
F*cks are their blues, their esteems and their happies,
Sat in their basket ever since they wore nappies.
Fluffy or bouncy or filled with slime,
F*cks have existed since day one of time.
Unparalleled energy runs through their veins,
Lively curious creatures each basket contains.
As unique as the way your own tongue says your name
No two people’s f*cks are ever the same.
All girls bear the burden of f*cks every day.
For when someone is mean or throws nasty their way,
If strangers start trouble or cause an upset
Their palm is outreached and a fuck they will get.
In the morning girls’ baskets are full and stand tall,
But by bedtime there’s no f*cking f*cks left at all.
When the sun sets, girls sleep, have the brightest of dreams
Of giraffes and quad biking and jelly and cream.
Becoming an astronaut or rich CEO –
To unlimited magical places they go.
Such sweet thoughts replenish their baskets of f*cks,
So they rise once again, feeling up on their luck.
And with a new day, forever can start
With fire in your belly, such hope in your heart.
So Elodie-Rose made a plan not to care:
Those f*cks in her basket were going nowhere!
Friends might call her crazy, a terrorist too,
And thought it important
That when you have f*cks,
Those f*cks should
belong to just you.
The Little Girl Who Gave Zero F*cks is available to buy on Amazon now.